• Deal with the reality of the adoptive situation: different from biological family. Parenting plus!• Attunement: Mother must be alert and empathic to signs of loss and grieving. Soothe infant.• Mother’s soothing important to child’s achieving self-regulation. Thousands of repetitions.• More difficult for mother to know what to do for this particular child: (1) no genetic markers and (2) separation trauma.• If at all possible, stay home with child; he doesn’t need one more disappearing mother.• Brain research: First three years most important for neurological connections: Connections determined by child’s perception of environment. Imprints during this time are lasting.• Events of first year are imprinted in ‘implicit memory” - no recall, but tremendous influence on attitudes, behavior, emotional responses, and sense of self and others.• Understand a child’s coping mechanisms: acting out or compliant. Compliant doesn’t mean untroubled.• Acting out child will demonstrate ‘wrong mother” idea by making adoptive mom wrong about many things. This interfaces with his need for control.• Validate child’s feelings. Do not defend against or reassure; he will feel discounted.• For more info: Don’t ask “why.” Rather, “I’d like to hear more about that...”• Try to understand the difficulty of growing up without seeing oneself reflected anywhere.• Celebrate birthday before the actual day. (Birthday often “separation day” for child.)• Don’t be late picking up child from school, activities, etc. (triggers abandonment fear).• Fear sometimes keeps child from letting in love. Be patient. Not personal: not rejection of you.

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